The Love That Never Be...

The Taj Mahal. The Doves. What do they have in common?

Shah Jehan forced his people to build the Taj Mahal for his wife, Mumtaz. The mosque since then has become the greatest symbol of love, among two people. As strong as the building, we hope that the love we find will stay as strong and as solid as the monument. When we find love, we hope that we can face everything together. Sail the sea and go through the rough waves and clear blue skies together. When we find love, we want to share. Share good and bad moments, share interests and hobbies, share opinions and thoughts.

In situations where we find it's dificult to share all that, we can still fertilise that love with respect and understanding. Love does not mean trailing your loved ones like ducklings. But love means having the time together, cuddling up and looking at each other's eyes until you fall and fall in love again. Love means listening, caring, giving, understanding, respecting your loved one's values and interests. When we find love, we want to say it and show it. Not just with words, but with what we do to the people we love.

Love is universal. Love is central. Love is vital. Like the roots of tree or the flowers that grow in the pots, we need to water the love. If the soil is dry, the trees and flowers will die. So do we.

Love does not work when it is in a distance. Too many heartaches, hurt and pain. Where is love when in the middle of the night you feel so lonely and the love is not next to you. Where is love where in difficult times you are left alone to juggle the everday's life struggle. Where is love when you need words of encouragements in the moments where you need to listen to them most. Where is love where you cannot see it, touch it, smell it, listen to it. Where is love when silence has enveloped the conversation. Where is love when he is never with you.

Love...too many sayings on it. Too much expectations. Too much discussed. But does it bring you joy. Is love an overated word, whereas love is too little we get in this world. Where is love where war, hunger, famine, poverty strike us like a vengeance. Where is love where people fight, argue, back stab and hurt each other. Does love really exist? Does love too difficult to get?

Some people see love as a form of freedom. Some see love as a form of expression. Some see love as a form of power. Some see love as a form of torture. Some get into love to love. Some get into love to control. Some to get into love to depend. Some to get into love to abuse.

Love...what does it mean to me? It means sharing things and moments together, raising your children together, eating and sleeping together, going outings and holidays together, buying and shopping together. Love to me should be based on respect and understanding of one's values, culture and opinions. There should be no 'one way is the best way'. What we think best might not be to the others. We have to compromise. To give and take. To make all things and dissatisfactions clear on the table.

Have I found love? I thought I did but...unfortunately I was wrong. I have found the wrong love for me. The one totally thinks the opposite of me. Choosing to be away from me and never wanting to commit to me. Commitment is the key word. And it is a very BIG word. It is the everything word. No commitment means no love to me. When two people make a commitment in the form of marriage, they have to commit. They have to live together. No point to love where you can't even talk, see or touch each other. This is insane. This is not normal.

Who would think that long distance relationship will work? I don't because I have had experienced it. Crying over it has not made me any sense anymore. In fact, I have stopped crying and trying because I realise that this love I was trying to defend might not last after all. I have fallen out of love, not because I wanted it, but because the situation made me to.

I made that decision because that what I thought best for me and the children. No point to wait and wait for the love to come to you and be with you because he will never arrive to be with you forever. I am not just a temporary stop. I am a human being. I deserve more love and respect than this. I have my moments but let bygone be bygone. I have forgotten my past and what he did to me. All the labels, humiliation, hurt, pain and pangs have subsided gradually. I am a much stronger person and will always be. I don't need that love to shove his ideas and control over me to the extent I was almost insane with his requests and orders. I am not a slave. I was not put as where I was suppossed to be put. I was treated like a foot rug and I am happy with my present life now.

Eventhough the love I was trying to build eventually crumbles and falls apart, I have two little angels, the ultimate LOVE for me. They joy and pride that I feel are beyond description. Never in my entire life that I feel the much needed love than getting it from these two little joys that fill my days. Although there are times where I feel like banging my head on the wall or like exploding my head off when they start to throw tantrums, but at the end of the day, they are the ones who give me the will to go on living, to smile, to love and to look forward to the bright sunny days.

Hah.....I am smiling right now. I am happy with my decision. I have never been happier. I am relief. I am making the right choice. Maybe love will come soon. Maybe...